Am I the world's biggest idiot?

Am I the world's biggest idiot?

I don't know, it sure as heck feels like it!! Of all the ways to go out of my way to ruin my own day I just had to pick the one that hurts me the most >.<

I just had to pick a fight with my darling boyfriend :(

The one man who loves me to bits, who cares about me like a boyfriend should and I go and act like a total IDIOT! towards him:( 

I don't know why I do that, I honestly don't know. I do know that it is something that just happens, that it feels like it is totally out of my control. That is something that is so hard for me to deal with, because usually I can apply lots of selfcontrol, think before I say something, think before I type kinda thing. This crap I'm getting myself into now is so infuriating. It's like letting a stinky rip in the middle of a windstorm, so totally effectless - all effort and no reward.

It is not fun! I hate this depression and PMS bs, I hate what it is doing to me, and how I act because of it. I know I have to own up to it, take responsibility, after all, it was me who acted like a total idiot, it was me that went off like a nuclear explosion. Depression is the biggest dreamkiller out there. It ruins everything, it is like an unstoppable destructive force of nature, the silent killer. It creeps up on you and left unattended it grows into something that controls you, that takes over every aspect of your life, that latches onto everything, leaves it marks on everything and everyone. It is a vicious, sick disease that needs to be grabbed by the horns and ripped out.

That is so easier said than done. I'm constantly trying to deal with it, my up days are amazing, my down days are horrible! Yesterday & today were terrible down days:( I passed out crying earlier, not fall asleep crying, actually passing out. And then we add PMS to the mix and then the sparks fly even more - it gets so bad that it looks like I'm a pyrotechnics specialist auditioning for the next 4th of July celebration fireworks show >.<

The most frustrating part is that it did actually get better a couple of months ago, then some stuff happened and things just went down the drain again. Yeah, it was boyfriend related stuff and I tried to deal with, I honestly thought I dealt with it, that I was so over all the crap that happened. That I forgave and forgot about it. Apparently I really pulled the wool over my own eyes on that one and managed to bs myself real good thinking I'm over it!

I don't know how to handle it. I'm fine and dandy and all things nice, gone through all the motions of forgiving and forgetting and moving on, putting it behind us, then the damn pms kicks in, then the depression kicks in, then I turn into this person that I don't even know. I'm not talking about the occassional getting pissed off with him for saying or doing something I don't like, I mean all out war, taking no prisoners, leaving no subject behind. It's like an out of control Tank with the gaspedal stuck flat to the floorboard, no brakes. No matter how hard I try I keep lashing out at him, for things he did in the past, for things he didn't do, pretty much anything and everything!

That's not fair! Not fair towards him, not fair towards me. How can I possibly treat the Man I love more than I've ever loved anybody like that? Even if he did deserve some of it - everyone act like arseholes some or other time - neither of us are perfect or angels, I still feel it is not right! I damn well know it is not right. He is amazing and I love him and I know he loves me and cares deeply for me. It just frustrates me so much that I act like this. I might add that with yesterday and today's blow outs he wasn't totally blameless, I just ripped everything way outta proportion.

I got hurt badly and severely by the things that happened and how it happened and how it was dealt with.

In the end, I'm just a woman who loves deeply and passionately, who is madly in love, who gets jealous and upset when I have to play second fiddle to the person who was involved with the stuff that happened that ended up hurting me. What makes it hurt even more is that their side is taken into consideration and not mine, their feelings are taken into consideration not mine, I'm labelled as the bitch in the situation, where for once I didn't do anything wrong!!! I wasn't the one who messed up yet I'm treated like I was the one that did! 

*Shrugs* Oh well, only time will tell...

Am I the world's biggest idiot? Prolly, aren't we all idiots when it comes to life, love and depression?